The apostrophe: Not "largely decorative"

Enjoy this article entitled "Are You Killing the Apostrophe?" by Martha Brockenbrough, my grammar-loving hordes of readers. You shan't be disappointed.

The decline of the English language makes the baby Jesus cry*

I'm just as lazy as the next person. Really, I know you will probably find that information shocking, but sometimes, Scarlett, I just don't give a damn. However, when it comes to proper grammar and spelling, I'm sure you're well aware of my anal retentive tendencies. Perhaps this is why, of late, I have found "txt tlk" to be such a disturbing phenomenon. And I am not alone.

My faithful public let me know that there is an entire anti- "txt tlk" movement. I will shamefully admit that I have been known to use the occasional "what r u up 2" while texting or IM'ing (I will use the excuse that I don't have a qwerty keyboard on my cell phone, but I can't come up with anything good to excuse the lack of full keyboard utilization). Txt tlk has become a kind of shorthand for the most priviledged and most apathetic generation yet. And, as a consequence, also all the other generations that copy them to feel young and trendy and grammar-inhibition free. I seriously have an editor who ends each e-mail to me with "Thanx."

What confuses me the most is the addition of letters in txt tlk that make the words longer than they normally would be. "Hott" and "kewelz" are two examples that spring to mind. I sometimes use these when I am being silly, but most of the writers are completely serious. Isn't the point of txt tlk to make things faster to type? Inevitably, txt tlk does not make deciphering the hieroglyphics faster to read, but I suppose that is an unfortunate side effect of this impatient need for immediacy.

The pervasive illiteracy is somewhat disheartening, if only because it is sure to get worse and much more pervasive (see: Twitter). Texting and IM'ing aside, however, I always thought of e-mail as a stand-in for handwritten letters. Would you write out "how r u doin" in fine cursive on expensive parchment and then spend 42 cents on a stamp for that letter? There is possibly no greater simple pleasure for me than to receive a lovely handwritten note in the mail from a close friend or relative. The time and effort mean so much more than dashing off a five-minute e-mail, rife with misspellings, intentional or otherwise.

Unfortunately, I can't promise I will never again text or IM you in some form of txt tlk (I accept your mocking when it inevitably happens), but please join with me as I raise the battle cry to keep e-mail and all other forms of communication free of the confusing, lazy junk. Because, really, do you want to make the baby Jesus cry? What? You do? You sick bastard.

*Many thanks to Ravinok for acting as muse for this piece. Also, he came up with the title. I can't claim that kind of genius as my own.

Grammatical errors that make KittyMarie angry...and you won't like her when she's angry.

The following are common grammatical errors that I have noticed in my day-to-day life. This is by no means a comprehensive list, but below are just a few of my pet peeves I would like people to take note of and store in their minds for future reference. I am certainly not a linguistic expert, but I think I should know something about grammar since it's kind of my job. However, for my position I often refer to Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. I'm sure not everyone would enjoy reading this slim volume for pleasure, but it is filled with the best and most often misused words and phrases. The following are simply my own observances.

Now I probably could not diagram a sentence if my life depended on it (don't tell my boss...or Mrs. Fehrenbach!). However, I generally know when something is wrong when I read or hear it. What can I say, it's a gift and a curse. These are the more glaring written errors:

1.There, Their, and They're: Use "there" to express a place (Diana's nuclear explosion shelter? Yes, I'm going there when the Red Fury descends.) Use "their" to express two or more beings' possessions (Cynthia and Dave's ostrich? No, that is not their ostrich). Use "they're" as the conjunction of "they are" (They're headed to the contortionist's house tonight to learn a few moves). If in doubt, just use "they are" and save me the headache.

2. Possessive S: Take care to put the apostrophe in the correct spot. It generally determines whether the noun is singular or plural. It was the bird's food (one bird). It was the birds' food (more than one bird). Otherwise, it determines if the noun is simply possessive (It was Diogenes' blog). For the record, s's is also acceptable, but I prefer a cleaner look with just s'. Personal preference dictates.

3. To, Two, and Too: The use of "to" seems self-explanatory (I plan to renovate the tree house in late Victorian style). Obviously, use "two" as a number (There were two paraplegic prostitutes). Use "too" in the place of "also" (I watched the kid eat glitter, too).

Bonus (Speech): The above are dependent upon the written word. However, when speaking refrain from phrases such as "I seen this bird one day that exploded in mid-air" or "He done the coolest thing ever when he jumped off that cliff." If you speak improperly and sound ignorant, people are going to think you're ignorant. It's just the truth.

In the words of Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady: "The majesty and grandeur of the English language, it's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative, and musical mixtures of sounds. And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer Eliza. And conquer it you will."

Or perhaps this quote is a bit more accurate: "There even are places where English completely disappears; in America they haven't used it for years."