26

I never really feel like it's officially the new year until January 5. I like things to be orderly and symmetrical and simple, so I'd rather just condense the new year for the world and the new year for me into one date, seeing as they're so close together.

An early January birthday is much like letting the air out of a balloon - the wind is cold and you're more stretched out and wrinkly than the year before. Everyone is decompressing from Christmas and still pretending like they will actually keep their New Year resolutions past Super Bowl Sunday. I didn't make any resolutions this year, because I'm already doing everything right, obvs.

So today I turn 26, which seems both utterly ridiculous (I've been driving for ten years, what?) and completely unexciting at the same time. Last year for my 25th birthday my insurance supposedly went down, but I'm still not yet old enough to run for president. I have no idea what the perks are of turning 26. So I asked Google. And it turned up bupkis. But I did find a stupid, generic, "Top 10 Things To Do Before You Turn 30 List." Here's how I measure up.

1. Drive a wickedly cool car, even if you have to rent it. When I was 16 I got a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. That's pretty much as wicked as I get. (In retrospect, this is depressing. My wickedness peaked at 16. Thanks, you douchebag list.)

2. Date against type. I started dating my first boyfriend a decade ago. Five years after that I married him. We are currently still married and plan to be so FOR-EH-VER. Moving on.

3. See the world. I've been to a pretty good number of US states and to France. I do really want to fulfill this list item and see more, but I also want to pay my mortgage and save some money to replace all of the stuff I'm inevitably going to break over the next 60 years (see number 7 below). But travel will happen. Belie'dat.

4. Live in a cool place. My town doesn't count as a cool place? C'mon! We've got Indiana's highest waterfall up in this beotch. And we recently acquired our first set of stoplights. It's happenin'.

5. If you're going to drink a lot, do it when you're young. Meh, I could take it or leave it. I'd rather fill my caloric load with mounds of macaroni and cheese.

6. Take risks with your job. I have a job, which, very unfortunately, is not something that a lot of people can say in this economy. I (usually) don't want to drive a metal stake into my temple while I'm doing my job. Yep, good enough for me.

7. Do something physically adventurous. In the last two weeks I've broken three glasses in a sudsy sink -- and fished them out risking arterial damage, nearly slipped and tumbled down our carpeted staircase, and walked into a door. Seriously. The door was open, and my left eyebrow made the initial contact, very, very forcefully. And the problem is, these things happening to me are not unusual. That's just a regular Tuesday. Do something physically adventurous? Are you serious? I'm lucky to still be alive.

8. Take your parents to dinner. What kind of asshole has never taken her parents to dinner by the time she's 30?

9. Do volunteer work. I used to do a lot of this. I now do some of this. I should do more. I acknowledge your commandment, List.

10. Use this decade to go to extremes. As a rule, I don't like extremes, probably for the very reason that this list recommends them -- because they're dangerous. I like to keep an even keel, avoid confrontation and complication, maintain stability. "Keep Calm and Carry On," and all that. But I suppose I have engaged in a few extremes by my mid-twenties. So far, I've gone from student to career woman. From dating to married. From renter to homeowner. I imagine the next few years will hold the transition from girl to mother. I'm ready for the good parts, and already I steel myself for the difficult parts. I'm sure there will be plenty of both.

23, 24, 25