Thursday, May 28, 2009

Shoes that would make my ankles sweat.

I realize I've been including a lot of shoe posts lately, and I really have no reasonable explanation for this, so you people are just going to have to deal, m'kay? In fact, I have a special, beautiful vegan shoe post all planned out for tomorrow's "Friday Fashion," but I came across a set of atrocities this afternoon that made me stop and reevaluate my life. Normally, I love Mod Cloth. They have adorable purses and clothing. Maybe I just never paid attention to their shoe collection before, or maybe they have a new buyer who has some kind of mental instability, but the following should sufficiently horrify you as it did me.*** The title of this post is "Shoes that would make my ankles sweat." Please note that I hate sweating; I do everything in my power on a daily basis to avoid sweating. These are horrific.

***I cannot be responsible for any violent vomiting, mental breakdowns, or deaths that occur due to the content of this blog post. If any of you people actually like the shoes below, I'm not sure I can even guarantee our continued friendship.

Let me begin with the most obvious example. At $114.99, these shoes are even named Warm Leather Sandals. Why would one make a sandal that doubles as a foot warmer? Are you supposed to wear these just in case the beach suddenly turns into some kind of snowy tundra? Again, I ask why? WHY, GOD, WHY?

My ankles would be dripping after five minutes of wearing these $29.99 South Side Sandals. What is that, plastic? At such a low price, I can't hope for some kind of high-quality, breathable material. I suppose these would be useful if you had an unfortunate ankle tattoo leftover from a drunken college ink session. Or if you had disturbingly disfigured heels. If so, just wear some bloody socks and sneakers for the love of Jimmy Choo.

These $29.99 Jewel of the Nile Sandals in Onyx are along the lines of the previous atrocity...only with sparkly snaps. Are you really that worried about your foot falling out of the shoe that you need ankle cuffs? Are they under arrest or something?

Are they even serious with these $149.99 Figaro Boots? I would pay 150 bucks not to wear these. Does this pair conform to that now antiquated custom that ladies were required to hide their ankles at all times, lest they be called "hussy"? But discreet toes and heels on display are okay?

The Boudoir Boots for $149.99. These make me think of two words: Hot. Vinegar.These $149.99 Majorette Booties actually have a built-in ankle ventilation system. How thoughtful. However, this is not a redeeming enough quality to not make me feel like a Stormtrooper while wearing these white devils.And finally, we come to an enigma, $119.99 Unicorn Princess Heels (I shit you not, that is their real name). I want to hate these shoes. I really do. I imagine Little Bo Peep would sport a pair of these while tending to her flock beneath a rainbow that squirts puppies. I'm not sure I could ever pull them off at any kind of event, but there's something about them that doesn't instantly make me want to take a spoon to my eyes while drinking bleach and slitting my wrists. Have I completely lost it? Have the previous cobbled disasters driven me to the brink of insanity? Or are these actually okay? Maybe even cute? Please, I beg you to set me straight. I can take it.

4 comments:

John said...

Stormtrooper boots are WAY more fashionable than those....

Kyle said...

I'm just proud that you worked Stormtrooper into a blog post :) Hooray Star Wars! :)

KittyMarie said...

I might have to agree, John. I might have to agree.

I knew you'd be proud, Kyle. :) I do these things solely for your love and approval ;-)

Anggeriayani said...

this is 4 buy ?