Friday Fashion: Spring is coming...maybe?

I realize that I am blond and blue-eyed and my skin exhibits a sickly white pallor, thanks to a good chunk of my ancestors hailing from some ice-caked Nordic country, but I have to admit it: I just plain don't like cold. It's a novelty in November when the first snow of the season is the sweetest. But I'm over it now. Bring on spring.

I don't have any faith in Punxsutawney Phil. I am convinced that he will see his shadow on February 2 and herald six more weeks of the white stuff (no, not Weird Al's white stuff. Or that other white stuff, you perv.).

I hope Phil just stays burrowed in his hole and leaves well enough alone, giving me some hope that spring really is on the horizon.

In honor of spring, or lack thereof, I bring you Friday Fashion: the decorative outdoor accessories edition. I wanted this to be focused on landscaping, but trowels just aren't that pretty. So enjoy. And think warm thoughts.

Lets kick things off with something big and expensive. I can't image this chair would quite mesh on the front porch of my Cape Cod-style house, but gosh darn, isn't it incredible? It looks like something out of Beetle Juice. I love it. Made out of polyurethane, it is waterproof and fade-resistant. Moroso The Big Easy, $1,911.

These gorgeous window boxes would be the perfect place for some petunias. I love the bright red flowers in the picture - complementary colors make my heart flutter - someone's been studying their color wheel! Mobos Modular Storage Bins, $36.These gorgeous Glass Mosaic Solar T-Lights would look so lovely lining a sidewalk or glinting from a patio railing. You can even substitute actual tea light candles during the winter when the sun is scarce! $14.The glazing on these planters is so rustic and lovely. And I love the name of the color: "Swamp." Ooo, can you imagine some gerbera daisies gracing these pots? Bolo planters, $40-$155.Hummingbirds will brighten any outdoor landscape (just don't mistake them for bees and take a wild swipe at them through the air). I love that these feeders are made out of recycled glass and are colorful in and of themselves. (Each are hand blown and etched). Filigree Glass Hummingbird Feeders, $44.95.

My fingers are becoming frostbitten from typing in this cold room, so I am going to go home, put on another layer, crawl into bed, and hibernate until the first 60 degree day. Heck, I'd even take 50 degrees. Wake me when I no longer have to wear a coat.

WTF. Seriously.

Southern California, the loins of America from which our best and brightest spring forth,* has banned dictionaries.

Let me just write that one more time.

Dictionaries. Merriam Webster's 10th edition, to be exact.

Why? Are you sure you really want to know? Because I don't think you do.

Okay, just don't say I didn't warn you.

The dictionary ban is due to a definition (after all, what dictionaries do best) of the phrase "oral sex."

The parents opposed think the definition is too graphic. May I ask how one defines "oral sex" without describing what it is? The definition provided by Merriam Webster is straightforward and honest. It is a legitimate phrase in a reference text. See, reference texts are what some people turn to when they need to learn more information about something they are unfamiliar with. Even ten-year-olds, the likes of which have probably heard worse from dear old mom and dad.

Of course, educating one's own children on the cusp of puberty would be just the worse thing a parent could do. Having an open and honest conversation can never be a good thing. Hurry! Burn the books, hide the DVDs, cancel the Internet service, and forget sex-ed. The little cherubs need to be protected forever and ever.**

I am not saying that looking out for children's well-being is wrong. But banning dictionaries? Damming the flow of information? Discouraging research and curiosity? That is wrong.

Very, very wrong.

* This is sarcasm.

** This is also sarcasm. Just so you know. Oh, and also? I hate people.

Friday Fashion: Gather the animals two by two

As surely as Indiana weather promises to never be predictable, the snow turned to rain, which turned to ice, which turned back into rain on top of ice. Cold, cold rain.

This Friday Fashion is in combat of rain. Especially the kind that plops on the back of your neck and drips all the way down your back until you end up with soggy underwear. Yech.You won't have to watch out for puddles in these indescribably adorable Poppy Wellies for 32 pounds. Also known as "galoshes." Or, if you are my grandfather, "rubbers." Screamed at the top of your lungs. Preferably in a crowd of strangers.


Also? The same site sells Welly Warmers for 19 pounds. Sweet.


Don't leave the house without a lovely raincoat to match your *cough* rubbers (and warm socks!). Something like these Coffee Shop Women's Double-breasted Trench Coats for $52.99 should do the trick!


Remember also to include a rain hat to keep your 'do dry (and that rain off your neck and out of your unmentionables). Extra points for environmentalism. Oh, look, just like this Recycled Rain Hat for $44. The pieces are made from recycled outdoor promotional banners. Pretty ding dang dong cool.
Finally, the pièce de résistance. Le parapluie. El paraguas. The umbrella. The one weather-related accessory that you are most likely not going to leave the house without (unless you are me...in that case, you never leave the house with the umbrella). Make a statement. Like this Washington National Cathedral Vaulted Auto Rain Umbrella for $34.95. Why stand out in the downpour when you can be both cozy and devout under a cathedral ceiling? So lovely. And functional. My two favorite things! My least favorite: cold rain.

I miss the sun.

Nom

I have had major issues resisting running to the kiosk downstairs from my office and grabbing some Twizzlers today...I don't know why...I never even used to like Twizzlers. Red, rubbery, vaguely fruit flavored. What's the appeal? No, really, I'm asking. Why am I craving them?

Maybe it is because it is Tuesday, but it feels like Monday, and weeks that begin on Tuesday traditionally never go quickly or smoothly.

Maybe it is because I'm wearing a new, extra-long sweater that my husband says makes me look like an old woman (okay, I will admit, he's right on that one...but I'm still wearing it...).

Maybe it is because it hasn't stopped drizzling since the weekend, and all the sidewalks are coated in a deceptively thin layer of icy drizzle, and I am bound to fall on my old-lady-sweater-covered pahtootie on the way to the car tonight.

Whatever. I still want Twizzlers.

Oh, and also? Have y'all ever heard of this, God Hates Shrimp? Because in spite of my cherublike and dutiful Methodist upbringing, the fact that God shakes his finger and tells his followers to avoid shellfish bothers me just a little. Actually a lot. I refuse to believe in a benevolent God that would call the seafood platter an "abomination." I hereby renounce my religion in the name of popcorn shrimp and Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

OM NOM NOM.

(I realize this post didn't make much of any sense. I've gone a bit manic and stir-crazy for no apparent reason. I think I'm ready for winter to be over.)

Friday Fashion: Ice Ice, Baby

No, not this Ice.
This ice.
Our landscape has just begun to thaw, bringing hope for warmer weather, brighter spirits, and shortly, an inevitable blizzard. So today, I dedicate this Friday Fashion to ice.

I've covered coats before, so revisit this post for your main winterwear. Today, we will focus on the accessories that will make or break the ensemble.

I once thought scarves were silly, inconsequential wardrobe pieces. But then I realized how cold my neck could get. Also, scarves are cute! For example, this one has POCKETS and POM POMS! Women's Checker Pocket Scarf by PrAna, $38.
This scarf isn't quite so useful at keeping cold out, but darn if it isn't unique and cute! Purple-lilac crocheted scarf, $76.50.

Like scarves, I was also never a big hat person. I once owned a hat that was completely sequined to look like in the American flag. After that, hats and I, we kind of parted ways. But lately I've been coming back around. I do so love both form and function, like this simply adorable Mountain Hardware Vela Beanie for $30.And the equivalent, for my numerous male readers out there, I bring you the Blank Winter Cuff Knitted Beanie Visor for only $9.59 - a steal that comes in a wide multitude of colors! Next in nogginwear, a Crocheted Bear Hat for $35. Oh, if only I had a small child on whose head I could cram this adorableness. ...But, who are we kidding? I would totally wear this myself.And of course, it would be sinful to let your beloved pooch go outside without a coat AND without style. Stuff your favorite four-legged friend into this Siberian Dog Coat with Faux Fur-Lined Hood for $33.99.If you are a devoted iPod user, try these Etre Touchy fingerless gloves for $32.52. Just watch out for frostbite. Finally, I am in love with these Wool Opera Length Gloves for $57. They come in several colors, but the lime green will really shine in contrast to the stark white snow. And you will also be able to keep hope that green will once again return to the landscape. Someday...Wear layers. Lots of layers. Because "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Woe!

Preface: People are dying by the thousands from horrific natural disasters*. Wars rage in far-off lands. Fiery brimstone from a vengeful God is probably raining down from the heavens right now in some third world country. And I am writing a post about our XBox 360, which died last night during a shamefully gluttenous television show. Yes, readers, I am the personification of the self-centered, posession-driven American that the world reviles. Please don't hate me because I am in love with a piece of electronic equipment.

Last night, it finally happened.

The dreaded Red Ring of Death. Right in the middle of a Netflixed episode of "Man v. Food," just as host Adam Richman's eyes orgasmically rolled back into his head after taking a bite of a New Orleans po'boy, we heard the sharp "BEEP," and the soul-crushing circle began blinking at us cruelly, mocking our despair, like the eye of Sauron.


The scary part is, I think I am more upset about it than Husband.

I have never before had any use for silly gaming consoles, thinking them a waste of precious time that could be spent reading intellectual novels or feeding the hungry (in the meantime, I whiled away my hours engaging in really important activities, like watching the latest gonhorrea-laden reality show from Vh1). That is, until we began streaming Netflix through our XBox 360. Suddenly, a whole new world of procrastination opened up. Of late, I have taken to devouring seasons of "Murder, She Wrote" and revisiting classics like "The Baby-Sitters Club, The Movie."

I know, I know. I am a sad, sad human being.

BUT NO MORE! Because my beloved has died! Today we will send it off to the cold clutches of Microsoft, perhaps never to be seen again! We can still get to our Netflix queue through the PS3, but it is a small, piteous consolation (and a pain in the ass).

Why, dear XBox, hast thou betrayed me? "Is it, in heav'n, a crime to love too well?"

*We donated to the Haitian relief through Doctors Without Borders. You should too.

Ohai...

So, did you expect me to write actual blog posts about actual, important topics on a regular basis? Because I got nothin'. This week, I have been consumed with editing a book about a cat. Next week, a book about World War II. My life is full of surprises.

There are a great number of topics banging against the inside of my skull. But I cannot write about them. It feels like writer's block, but I think it's more introspection. Things happen that I don't really want to put out there onto Teh Internetz. In spite of waving my peace sign in the air and shouting "Free Speech" on my personal soapbox, I just don't want to post about certain events in my life, or especially the lives of my friends and family members, no matter how visceral my reaction to these events, because you never know who's reading and what they will do with your words. Schitzophrenically, I worry about who will read my honest thoughts about certain happenings, so I keep them to myself. Which is kind of the opposite of a blog's purpose. But whatever.

All I will say is that I am thankful. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful that I don't worry about how to pay my mortgage. I am thankful that I have common sense and good judgement and a healthy dose of skepticism. I am thankful for a loving husband. I am thankful that, even though things do not get accomplished on my timeline, I have the opportunity to accomplish them in the future. I am thankful that I live in this country, that I live with a relatively low paranoia level, that I do not fear earthquakes and hurricanes and typhoons. And I am thankful for you, dear reader, and for your understanding that some things are un-postable.

Is it bad?

Is it bad that I suddenly, desperately want my husband to impregnate me, only so I can give birth to a baby, and therefore have a reason to decorate a nursery with these?


On second thought, forget the baby. Even my husband would want this one:


A JOLLY Jolly Roger. I'M MELTING FROM THE CUTE! About $25 each from One Kings Lane.

Hiatus

I seem to have taken an unintentional hiatus from my blog. I will blame this on the snowy weather that kept us home Thursday and Friday last week, but really, I'm just darn lazy. I will officially admit that I was too busy watching "Murder, She Wrote" via Netflix to get my gears grinding and write. Yes, you heard me. "Murder, She Wrote." Jessica Fletcher be da bomb in mah hizzouse.

By way of apology, here is a pretty dress I am currently coveting. Do enjoy, my lovelies.
Lorelei Dress for $167.99 from Modcloth.

24

Well, I feel a little less like death today, which is good, since it just happens to be the anniversary of the day I sauntered out of my mother and into the world. Want to hear something weird? Husband pointed this out recently: I (and he, and probably you, for that matter) have existed in four separate decades, '80s, '90s, '00s, and now '10s. Isn't that just nutty?

I don't have any interesting birthday facts or old, embarrassing pictures of baby me naked in a bathtub (though, the pictures do exist, let me forewarn you...but I want to know who doesn't have naked baby pictures?), so I will just offer a picture of what I would have looked like, had I been born a cat instead of a human. I think you will see the resemblance.

Photo from here.

Happy New Year

I tweeted "Happy new year" this morning, three days late, which Diosthocles called me on, but it still is the new year. Happy, however, is questionable, since I am feeling rather poorly, wishing I was home laying prone under a pile of blankets rather than languishing huddled next to my office space heater, trying to move as little as possible.

Since I can barely muster the power to type this post, as my muscles ache and stomach pirouettes, please read instead my very first invited post discussing one of the most important topics of our generation, nay, our very existence: How to wear sequins to the office: Can it be done?

Hope your New Year's celebrations were fan-tabulous. I will post some pictures from ours when I regain the strength to plug in a flash drive.