Don't be a jerk: This means you

I'm jazzed from drinking a Den pop the size of my head, and I'm feeling feisty.

So, here's some wisdom I've come across through interaction and experience that I think you can benefit from. Don't mess with people that prepare your food, fix your computer, or edit and/or lay out your manuscript.

Don't mess with the people that prepare your food. This goes without saying, as chronicled in the movie Waiting. They can always spit in your food or, if you're an ass after your dinner has already reached the table, "accidentally" overcharge you. Maybe you'll notice. Maybe you won't. One way or another, you're going to end up with the flu. Karma, baby.

Don't mess with the people that fix your computers. You're stupid. The IT people know you're stupid. You know you're stupid. Just admit it. Provide them with the information they request. Be gracious. And when they point out the idiotic error that's all your fault, acknowledge it. Remember who ultimately controls your precious lifeline of e-mail forwards and YouTube videos. If you're an ass, they will get you. They will. Fuck. You. Up.

Don't mess with the people that edit and/or lay out your manuscript. This is just a personal aside, straight from me to all the budding authors out there. Okay, so I don't pose as big of a threat. I can't give you my cold or hack into your private information, but I will be a total bitch to you. I won't return your e-mail for days and won't care if your deadlines aren't met or if there are errors when your book comes out. If you're nice to me, I will want to work hard for you. Otherwise, take a flying leap.

And keep me away from the Den pop.